| Fire Exit |
[04 Feb 2004|06:53pm] |
this journal is now OFFICALLY semi-closed.
-á to the casa.
-áine
p.s "OFFICALLY..." <-- For Liam.
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| Confessions of the insane |
[04 Feb 2004|06:34pm] |
I am so frustrated... okay, I'll be the last to admit it, but in the back of my mind, that whole deal with my exams is seriously tearing at my throat. I mean, fuck, how could I have fucked up every single exam I wrote this semester? I work so hard, and I always feel like... it's not good enough. There's way more to life than school, but lately it's felt like everything. These feelings, they reminded me of Julian Casablancas (The Strokes...)
"Out of earshot of two girls who have attached themselves to his side tonight, he explains that he didn't go to a strip club until recently, and he doesn't like them: His first experience with a heavy-grinding lap dance so scarred him that as soon as he got home, he had to beat off twice.
As he tells this story, the jukebox fills the room with the strains of Sam Cooke's soul-stirring "A Change Is Gonna Come," and the girls gather round. All time stops for Casablancas. "When I hear 'A Change Is Gonna Come,' " he says, "it frustrates me."
Why? "No matter how hard I try, I can never be that good," he answers." -Rolling Stone Magazine.
I mean, fuck... just fuck. I'll keep trying, and I'll keep trying to be better, and I'll keep living, and keep making stupid mistakes... but just, don't compare me to being smart, or being one of those people who can just go into an exam and pull it off with confidence every time... because I'm not that kid. I never was, and I never will be. I've hard to work for every good mark... and sometimes, my work seems like a waste cause I still fuck up.
Well, maybe that's why I enjoy the strokes so much, they're real to me... their not "try hard and you can do it" they're... just... fuckin, real to me.
So thats explaining my obsession of this band... it's pretty retarded, and doesn't really explain much at all, but fuckin, thats just it okay.
Fuck, I'm gonna start just thinkin shit to myself, because I'm sick of speakin out loud, so from now on, I think most entries in this journal will be private, or maybe I'll just go back to my paper one, and keep this one for corny jokes and pictures.
Well thats it. See ya later.
Aine.
Strokes - Barely Legal
I didn't take no shortcuts
I spent the money that I saved up
Aw mama runnin' out of luck
Well like my sister don't give a fuck
I wanna steal your innocence
To me my life it don't make sense
Your strange manners, I love you so
Why won't you wear your new trench coat
I should've worked much harder
I should have just not bothered
I never show up on weekdays
Somethin' that you learned yesterday
Drive you to work, you'll be on time
Your little problems, they're not yours they're mine
Come on listen to what I say
I've got some secrets that'll make you stay
I just want to turn you down
I just want a turn you around
You ain't never had nothin' I wanted but
I want it all, I just can't figure out
Nothin'
And all together it went well
We made pretend we were best friends
Then she said "Oh you're a freak"
They ordered me to make mistakes
Together again, like the beginnin'
It all works somehow in the end
The things we did the thing you hide
But for the record it's between you and I
I didn't take no shortcuts
I spent the money that I saved up
Aw mama runnin' out of luck
Well like my sister don't give a fuck
I wanna steal your innocence
To me my life it just don't make any sense
Your strange manners I love them so
Why won't you wear your new trench coat
I just want to misbehave
I just want to be your slave
You ain't never had nothin' I wanted but
I want it all, I just can't figure out
Nothin'
And all together it went well
We made pretend we were best friends
Then she said "Oh I can wait"
They ordered me to make mistakes
Together again, like the beginnin'
It all works somehow in the end
The things we did the thing you hide
But for the record it's between you and I
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[03 Feb 2004|05:56pm] |
"tidal waves dont beg forgiveness, crashed and on their way. father he enjoyed collisions, others walked away, a snowflake falls in may. and the doors open now, as the bells are ringing out, cause the man of the hour is takin his final bow, goodbye for now" -Pearl Jam (man of the hour)
Aw mannnn....
Aine.
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[02 Feb 2004|07:10pm] |
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Indigo Girls = Love's Recovery |
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I really like the new incubus song, megalomaniac... especially with the video. It's not some unique idea, but I like what they've done with it.
I would like to go out with Brian for coffee soon, I haven't hung out with him in ages. Hmpt. I'll have to talk to him soon, and make him take me out in his mustang. Raawrr. :) I am so happy he is good with Rebecca again, he was crazy about her.
Today was first day of a new semester, I was a little pissed off because I really really screwed up my chemistry exam, and... well yea, my makr dropped 5%. It's still a decent mark... or rather a VERY decent mark, but I just kinda feel like all the work I had done all year to get it really high just kinda fell within 3 hours. That was just sort of a bummer. A big bummer, since I really really wanna get into UBC.
Who choses applications for university anyway? Would it be the dean? Or...?
I'm excited about going to work and seeing Toby... Aw he's so fucking adorable. 20, but adorable all the time. He's simply hilarious, or rather, even more hilarious than people at work... because everyone in that place makes me crack up. <3
I really don't feel so great right now, my head kinda hurts and my tummy is a little sore... but I'm not in a bad mood.
I have volleyball tomorrow, which is a little shitty considering I have no excuse for missing practise yesterday. Ah well, I'm just gonna try really hard to enjoy it from now on, who knows - maybe it'll be better this time around. Everyone on the team can just be so catty. Rar.
Love you all xoxo
Aine.
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[01 Feb 2004|11:06pm] |
i think its pretty obvious how you feel - and its not any different than what i lead myself to believe. i just feel a little silly for, oh lord knows.
its late, school starts again tomorrow.
i think you're right, its better like this.
aine.
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[31 Jan 2004|10:25pm] |
Life is tres confusing m'dear. Tres confusing. If you can hear me out there, just do what you think you should, fucking, who cares? Sometimes you just gotta do stuff that you've always dreamed of, but never dared to. I guess time is running stale... SO quit fucking around...
Maybe I'm talking to myself. Under the umbrella tree. Go fish.
Hot Hot Heat Lyrics
5 Times Out Of 100
Five times out of a hundred.
Tell me what my odds are, my heart isn't working.
Five times out of a hundred.
Tell me what my chance is, romance is under rated.
Stare on.
Don't let a glance be too short.
Don't stop.
Glances are a playground.
Stay around the sound of laughing boys.
Walk on around the table making noise.
Stare on! Oh no?
I wanna turn the bathtub on
and watch this house drown from the lawn.
I wanna turn this energy on.
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[31 Jan 2004|09:55pm] |
My 13 Hour Day at Work
It all began one fresh saturday morning when the snow was deep enough by the time I stepped outside... nice and fresh, and it was coming down heavy. I took a shift for someone who busted themselves snowboarding, and it lasted an entire lifetime. I was faced with the many challenges that you would face in 90-something years. And so, this is my biography.
I was born in a tough time, there was a lot of unwanted stress (white and fluffy), that needed to be shovelled away so that we as a family could begin our new life. We swept and we shovelled the dirt, working hard together to free ourselves of struggle. It seemed though, in the early years, that no matter how hard we worked, the stress just kept coming. BUT, I have always said, people need people, and when people began to show up in our lives, it made our stress level disappear, at least for a while. They were able to run over the unwanted stress, and keep it from overflowing and drowning us.
The years passed by quickly. I was faced with annoying challenges, and had to deal with them accordingly. I had to put people around me in their place, and learn quickly how to deal with annoying brats.
I was faced, in my mid-age, with the hardest, most painful experience of my life. In my good fortune, I was drinking down more glory than I could handle (a bottle of iced tea). As soon as I was alone, and independent, it began to turn its hideous face on me. I spent what felt like an eternity, alone, isolated, without anyone to turn too... I needed to find relief, but there was nothing around to help me out, and I was stuck on the top of a mountain, waiting for someone to come rescue me. I began to sing to myself, I thought I was going mad. The seconds ticked slowly away, as I felt uneasy and upset. I felt like calling my supervisor and screaming that I give up! I couldn't handle it. But in my moment of darkness, I stayed strong, and was rewarded with a trip to the bathroom when my painful hour was over.
Like every biography, there is always a love. My prince charming rode up on a purple chariot, with dark long hair blowing in the wind, all the way from someplace I've never heard of (honestly). He was devine, and gorgeous, and was there to rescue me from the every so slowly hours that went by. He made me laugh, we exchanged hellos, he went on his way, and I was left to dream. (aw.)
Like everyone, I had a downfall in my life. As my years were growing short, I gave into temptation. Someone had left on a platter for myself and a friend, their lunch. No one was around, breaks were over... we ate their oranges. Such a thirst for that sweet passionate flavour that simply burst in my mouth I have never felt before. We took their oranges and gobbled up half of them. If they were good people, such as I, they would have shared them anyway.
Then I died.
The end.
I am home... and I am so tired.
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[30 Jan 2004|10:46pm] |
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i feel unpretty.
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[30 Jan 2004|05:12pm] |
well that last post was waayyy too emotional.
shut the fuck up aine.
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[29 Jan 2004|11:45pm] |
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Tale as old as time - beauty and the beast. |
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Alright... so I've decided to pour out my guts and beyond. Be prepared for stuff I might regret saying later, and stuff that was never really supposed to be realised or read.
Love is a fucking up thing. No matter who you are, where you are, who you love, or if they love you back, it fucks you up. It both strengthens and weakens you, makes you see your life in a different light, and makes you kick yourself secretly under the table for being such a dumbass.
So love.
What was Matt in Montreal? I was not in love with him... but I can still rememeber all the little things about him. What drove me to madness over him? What still haunts me about him... every single day... forcing me to crawl on my knees begging for someone to lift the memories? I remember him so clearly... his smile, his hat, his hair that was slowly dreading, the way he grabbed my shirt and pulled me against the wall, told me to shut up and kissed me as I tried to squirm my way out of falling for him. The person he was, and the person he made me. He made me... so sure of everything, so sure of myself. We argued about life, about the little things, and he made me see stuff differently, and I made him for once rethink his dominant thoughts. I remember how he used to walk over in plaid pajama pants, and white t-shirts, or how he'd answer the door in boxers with his dog in arms... Yea, Matt... What else to say? He completely swept me away, emotionally, physically, and mentally... but no, I did not love him.
I have loved very little people. But I have been completely and totally in love with only one. Do you ever really get over shit like that? You don't haunt my every thought... but it's deeper than that. I care so much about one person, that sometimes every little thing someone says makes me smile and think back. It's not a cry for "I WANT YOU BACK"... it's not a cry at all. It's being content with you... it's the way you act, the way you react to situations. It's your stupid smile when you find something completely unique and hilarious, when everyone else is puzzling themselves wondering what in the world could be funny. It's your psycho notions, your intense personality, your feeling of this world. It's your attitude on life, your stupid t-shirts, your comments that barely reach the ears of people beside you, but send us into peels of laughter. It's sitting on roof tops and reading stories. It's the way you're the only person I want to talk to when I'm feeling shitty. It's the way you'll still give me vodka when I'm feeling shitty, and the way you never leave me when I need you most. It's you. It's because, because you mean so much to me. You take care of me, bring me coats when I'm cold, your subtle remarks that make me feel like... I'm the person on top of the world. And thats what makes me love you. I can't be in love with you - because that just won't work for you, and I know that one day you're gonna find some beautiful girl, and fall completely in love. Nah, I can't be IN love with you, but I do care about you, as much as I can - without letting myself reach beyond comfort.
Aine.
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[28 Jan 2004|11:01pm] |
its time for a change... its time for my picture on here to change, its time for my mindframe to change, its time for matt bruno to get out of my life. yea ill visit him in montreal when i go there... but its not the life or death of me... no one is fucking worth that.
aine.
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| ive found the perfect lyrics to describe you |
[28 Jan 2004|05:00pm] |
slap some sense into me, i dont know why i let myself try and play this game again.
Green Day - 80
My mental stability reaches its bitter end
And all my senses are coming unglued
Is there any cure for this disease someone called love
Not as long as there are girls like you
Everything she does questions my mental health
It makes me lose control
I just can't trust myself
If someone can hear me slap some sense into me
But you turn your head and I end up talking to myself
Anxiety has got me strung out and frustrated
So I loose my head or I bang it up against the wall
Sometimes I wonder if I should be left alone
And lock myself up in a padded room
I'd sit and spew my guts out to the open air
No one wants to hear a drunken fool.
I do not mind if this goes on
Cause now it seems I'm too far gone
I must admit I enjoy myself
80 please keep taking me away.
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[27 Jan 2004|02:50pm] |
i hope i didnt through away my chances yesterday.
please tell me i did okay on that exam. please.
aine.
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| oh i did NOT want to get up this morning. |
[26 Jan 2004|07:04pm] |
I'll try and remember this to the best of my ability... but it was tres weird because I kept waking up, and it was a continuation.
The Dream:
I dreamt that you came up for a cigarette and we were talking as I watched the chairs go by. I asked you what happened the other day... about the meeting, and if you were still gonna work here. I don't remember what your answer was.
The next, you had snuck into my house... only it was like an auditorium... without seats... or rather, there were seats, but we were lying down. I had my chemistry binder with me... I was studying a lot last night, maybe thats why. I remember you asking "So do you got paper in there for this or what?" And... I realied you were telling me to write down my number, so I did... obviously.
And then, we just layed there and talked, nothing... mushy, just straight conversation. But it was nice.
I can't remember a single detail of what we talked about... but I never can.
I don't dream of people often, but thats twice you'd invaded my sleep.
Aine.
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[25 Jan 2004|08:45pm] |
aw man
staff day at work today.
fuckin, the people i work with are so goddamn funny. tobi and andrew today about their damn ciagarette break was the funniest conversation i have ever seen. it was like "who's on first" modern day.
some funny shit.
liam... paint my snowboard. please.
i was thinking how fucking cool and rad and unique it would be... and you could put like kitchen sink designs or something... man, it would be stellar.
aine.
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[24 Jan 2004|11:03pm] |
I've been thinkin about The Butterfly Effect a lot lately... and the scene where Evan holds his hands over Kayleys ears... before the stick of dynamite blows up. That part, plays back in my mind over and over... the way they are... they way he makes her cover her ears as a child before he yells at her perverted father... theres something about that... that makes that movie okay.
The protective nature of Evan is different than... mr big. He sees Kayley as someone who takes care of herself... but it seems like... I dont know. That covering ear part just really tickles under my skin...
Interesting...
[ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<img [...] </img>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] I've been thinkin about The Butterfly Effect a lot lately... and the scene where Evan holds his hands over Kayleys ears... before the stick of dynamite blows up. That part, plays back in my mind over and over... the way they are... they way he makes her cover her ears as a child before he yells at her perverted father... theres something about that... that makes that movie okay. The protective nature of Evan is different than... mr big. He sees Kayley as someone who takes care of herself... but it seems like... I dont know. That covering ear part just really tickles under my skin... Interesting... <img src="http://www.butterflyeffectmovie.com/photogallery3/image/7.jpg"</img> |
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[24 Jan 2004|10:09pm] |
Aw man, lately, I've felt so "I DONT GIVE A DAMN". I've been laughing more, I feel so loosened up.
Tonight at work was awesome, besides the fact that my toes were deadly numb, and I could barely hold the shovel for lack of fingers. But, due to the freezing nature of tonight, it was pretty dead... and slightly on the boring side.
Of course, when it's dead, usually that means more of my favourite people come out. Bwah! Not to mention any names...
But I had a good ride up the chairlift, and a good uh... time in the shack... sitting... by myself?
Rawr.
Aine.
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| i cut my hair! |
[24 Jan 2004|12:49pm] |
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Beastie Boys |
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Yes, ladies and gents, I had another mid-hair crisis - and decided to get it cut. So I called Frenzi, and got Sofie to see me at 7:00.
The Verdict?
 /img>
[ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<img [...] </img>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] Yes, ladies and gents, I had another mid-hair crisis - and decided to get it cut. So I called Frenzi, and got Sofie to see me at 7:00. The Verdict? <img src="http://pic8.picturetrail.com/VOL258/1841684/3551738/43745771.jpg">/img> <img src="http://pic8.picturetrail.com/VOL258/1841684/3551738/43783226.jpg"</img> Introduce this.... <img src="http://pic8.picturetrail.com/VOL258/1841684/3551738/43783316.jpg"</img> And you've got magic babygirl, you've got fireworks. xoxo. My sister was just over, we were talking about her wedding, looks like I'm gonna have to fly down during october/november for her wedding if I get into UBC... which might mean I won't be able to afford to come down for Christmas. A bit of a bummer, but I'll stay with Pamela (my other sister) for Christmas. I'm excited for the wedding though, I know it'll be gorgeous. Small, because she doesn't want it huge... but gorgeous. I remember when she came home from treeplanting one year, and she told me about Jay... and how, she had screwed things up one night, but she was too afraid to call him. I talked to Grace about it for about 3 hours, trying to convince her to pick up the damn phone and call him... and she did. Years and years later... here we are. Dun dun na na, dun dun na na - here comes the bride baby. I'm turning into Emily with my songs. ~aine casablancas SUCKER FISH! p.s the butterfly effect is soo fucked up. |
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[22 Jan 2004|04:28pm] |
I'm so excited, when Niamh gets home we are going to plan out our trip to Montreal! When I figure out details... I'll be back.
You heard it here first.
-a to the casa
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